Returning to Love
A wall full of mini love letters and inspiration. Credit: Unsplash
Years ago, I watched someone interview the actor, comedian, and radio host D.L. Hughley, and they asked him, “What’s the hardest thing about being in love?” His response was, “Never feeling safe.” And you know what? I absolutely agree with that statement, and I, myself, have always felt this way. No matter how well my relationship is with someone, I am always worried about something. Maybe I’m not doing enough. Maybe they need something that I’m not providing. Maybe something is falling through the cracks. Anything! In most cases, it’s all in my mind, but I just can’t help it.
When I really love someone, it’s obvious and intense. I love with everything in me, and once someone gets in my heart, it is very hard to get them out. They stay with me for a very long time. All of the memories, dates, feelings, good times, bad times, and everything in between. And could you blame me? They did have an impact on my life, after all.
A short clip of the interview I’m referring to, and you can view the full interview here.
This also applies to platonic relationships, but it’s just not as intense because I’m not dating friends or digging as deep. That’s not to say I don’t love my friends or know them very well. I just think there are certain boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. So, the love and care are a bit different.
Currently, I am single and have been for 6 years, I think. I know! That is a very long time. I just needed some time to myself to heal from a past relationship and rediscover the joy in life. I’m happy to report that I’ve healed from that relationship and found a little joy in my life. However, even after I felt better about myself and could move on, I found that I really liked being alone.
I won’t even lie! I thought there was something wrong with me, at first. “Who likes being alone?” I thought, but I found out that there is freedom a person gets when they’re not attached to someone. My greatest freedom: doing whatever the hell I wanted without having to consider someone else. I suppose that’s called selfishness, and for someone who’s always thinking of the people they care about, that was quite the realization for me.
As I embraced this newfound freedom along with many others, I realized that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. It’s perfectly fine to put myself first and take care of myself. I also found out that I enjoy peace and quiet more than I initially thought. Gosh, I was learning so much about myself! It was almost like I was learning to walk again, and I loved it! I thank the universe I was able to get a taste of that, and I’ve been addicted to it ever since … until recently.
Still love my alone time. Love having a quiet space and doing as I please, but I’ve been really curious about people lately. Not everyone! Just the ones who pique my interest, like the water delivery guy who got lost and needed directions. The sweet man on the bus who likes talking to me on our way to work. The gorgeous woman at Whole Foods who seems to have a permanent smile etched on her face. Those beautiful, kind people are the ones I’m talking about. I just can’t muster up the will or courage to shift from a casual conversation to something more.
There was a time when I liked going on dates, being doted on, and having sickly sweet experiences with someone new or special. I remember wearing makeup often, shopping for cute clothes, and always being on the lookout for the latest hot spots and activities on social media so I could always have fresh date ideas in mind. It was like a whole lifestyle.
I feel like I’m making it seem like dating consumed my life, at one point. It didn’t! I always made time for friends, family, and my own personal interests. I just thoroughly enjoyed the dating culture. I carried myself differently back then, and I had a completely different mindset. In a way, I guess someone could say I was a different person back then. It’s funny how a breakup can shift something within you.
If you can’t tell, every once in a while, I do miss those times. I think I was more excited back then because I knew I had something to look forward to, and you can bet your ass that I always had something planned. Well, I don’t miss the full schedule. I’m a tired gal and like my alone time very much. So, when I get back out there, I will continue to carve out time for myself no matter what, but that’s if I even go back out there. Out there, meaning the dating world, because let’s face it. The dating pool has piss in it along with some other crazy shit. With this knowledge, past experiences, and watching my other single friends struggle, it’s hard to put myself out there just to be disappointed.
“You won't know whether you'll be disappointed if you don't try.“
Yes, that is true. I need to give people—and myself—a chance before I come to any conclusions. I need to live in the moment and grab it by its horns. Just do the damn thing! But it’s been so long, 6 years! I just don’t even know how to go about it other than letting it happen to me. Maybe, instead of lying to those people who’ve asked me out (and there’ve been a few) and telling them I’m not interested, I should’ve just said, “Yes, I’d love to,” and gone on at least one date with them to test the waters and have fun. But then, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post, would I? 😃
Time isn’t the only thing holding me back. I think it’s also uncertainty and obviously fear. I don’t want to waste my time, become vulnerable with someone undeserving of it, or get heartbroken. I’d love to avoid all those things, but that’s just not possible. With the right person, I suppose I won’t experience any of those things, but I know that it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows, and I don’t know if I’m ready for anything other than that. Like I said, I’m tired, and I don’t have time for any bullshit. At least, I won’t make time for it, but that’s the thing, isn’t it? I do need to make time because how else will I meet someone new and go on a date? When I do find myself in a relationship, how can a relationship sustain if I don’t make time for it? I can’t only show up when things are great and drop it when things are rough. That’s not how it works or how growth develops.
I’m rambling, which is all this entire blog is about, but my point is that as much as I’d like to date again and find someone special to spend my life with, I’m not ready. I want to be, though! I want to cuddle, have nap dates (yes, that’s a thing), and have someone I can pull pranks on. I just have a little more work to do, a little more soul searching. Clearly, there’s still room to grow, and maybe once I’ve grown a little, I’ll have the confidence to put myself out there again. Then, maybe I won’t lie to the next person and say, “Oh, I thought you’d never ask!” Well, probably not those exact words, but something along those lines, and get that nap date I absolutely deserve.
