Bah, bah, Black Sheep!
How I feel wherever I go.
This week’s topic was really tough to write because I just couldn’t think of anything interesting to write. Like, I’ve done absolutely nothing these past couple of weeks. Seriously, and it’s been kind of great, but not productive.
When I finally put my thinking cap on, I thought about how I could write about being the only queer person in my family who isn’t in the closet. I could write about how, as soon as people realize I’m gay as fuck, they frown and put as much distance between them and me as possible. I could even write about how management ignores how poorly queer people are treated at work and leaves them to the wolves, especially the Black queer people.
In my brain, these were all different topics, and I didn’t know which one to choose. However, when I went over the options, I realized that the gist of each topic was the same. I’m different. Therefore, I am treated differently. Now, I don’t think I’m all that different. I’m a woman who works every day to feed herself, pay her bills, and tries to live a little when life is kind enough to me. I mean, who the hell doesn’t do that on a regular basis? I’m just like the next person, but people don’t see it that way. They’re too stuck on, “She’s Black,” or “Hmm! She’s gay.” Maybe they’re stuck on both or something else that I’m not even entirely aware of.
Either way, I’m so sick and tired of it. I’m tired of being looked at like I have three eyeballs. I’m tired of the whites treating me like I’m gonna snatch their bag if they walk by me on the sidewalk. I’m so fucking tired of being ignored at work when those assholes know I’m in the right. It seems like everywhere I turn lately, people treat me like a weirdo or an idiot because I look and act differently or speak my goddamn mind.
Sometimes I wonder if people knew that it was okay to live, think, or just outright be different, if their heads would explode. Do they know that the person who’s sitting next to them on the bus or sitting across from them in the next cubicle doesn’t cut their sandwich diagonally but straight up and down? Honestly! Because life isn’t a one-size-fits-all. What works for one person or tickles one’s fancy isn’t gonna cut it for the next person, and that’s okay. Like, damn, Martha! Don’t have a fucking heart attack because I dip my fries in ketchup instead of smothering them to death.
I don’t know a Martha, by the way, but I’ve run into many people like her, and I love giving “Martha” a piece of my mind when I’m feeling extra spicy.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a familiar weight that has really been irking me, and I’ve been trying to shake it, but it’s hard. People have such strong opinions on how I and other Black queer people should live that they haven’t even considered that we cannot simply go about our day the same way they do. It’s frustrating!
Quick story.
When I was in college, I remember talking to a white girl about my hair and wash day, and how it’s a whole ritual for me. I get my playlist all set, lay out my combs and brushes, my towels, and get to work. I do this every 7 to 10 days. It’s time-consuming, but I’m a natural girl, and it’s what I’ve got to do. Also, I’m so used to it now. It’s my routine.
Then, she asks, “You only bathe once a week?!”
Bitch, what?! I told her that’s how often I wash my hair, not my ass. I bathe every day.
“But you don’t wash your hair every day?” She was so puzzled.
Before I could stop myself, I said, “Isn’t that what the fuck I said?!” She didn’t really talk to me much after that, and I was totally okay with that.
Clearly, we’re two different people with different hair, cultures, and everything else. So, why did she think it was odd that I didn’t wash my hair every day, but bathed every day? Maybe because she placed her reality onto me, because surely what’s true for her is most certainly true for everyone else. Give me a fucking break!
And my hair is healthy for the most part. Sure, I could brush my hair more often, but other than that, it’s the healthiest it's ever been. I’m really proud of myself for keeping up this au naturel!
Anyways, it’s stuff like that that makes me feel like a dirty little pariah that should live in a shack on the outskirts of the city. And it pisses me off! Just accept me for who I am and move on. If you can’t do that, just leave me be. What’s the point of pushing one’s ideology down my throat? To make themselves feel better? Forcing a square peg into a round hole isn’t gonna work!
I know so many other people deal with this, too, and it makes my heart ache for them. Truly! Being judged constantly and being treated less than is complete trash. I wonder what it would take for that to stop or, at least, decrease in frequency. Whatever it is, I’ll do it because I’m so tired of being treated like a black sheep.
