Belonging
Two children hugging in a field. Credit: Unsplash
I have a notepad that I open whenever I find an inspirational quote from someone I admire. Right now, there are only 8 quotes in this notepad. That’s how selective I am when it comes to jotting down a quote, and funny enough, as soon as I write it down, I close it and forget all about it. I couldn’t recite any of those quotes if you asked me to. Seriously! That’s my brain for ya! However, there is one quote I haven’t written in this notepad that I do have memorized and think of often.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
This is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite writers of all time. Maya Angelou. She has other quotes that are wonderful as well, but this one stands out to me the most because it resonates with me the most.
Broken promises. Lies. Heartache. Racism. Homophobia. Verbal abuse. Misogyny. Almost every bad thing you can imagine. In the past, there were many instances in which people showed me their true colors or told me they were not for me (in so many words), and I still gave them chances. I still allowed them to show up in my life, however they wanted, regardless of how it made me feel. I permitted them to treat me any way they chose, and let me tell ya! That’s not how it’s supposed to go.
Several years ago, I met a guy who was very open, kind, and adventurous. He loved talking, maybe a little too much, but he also listened very well. He remembered everything from what I liked, disliked, my birthday, how something made me feel, and so on. I thought of him almost as a wizard because it was truly rare that any man was that attentive. He drew me right in! In my eyes, he was perfect because he seemed to know all the right things to say and ask, and he gave me the attention I desired. But you know what? Not everything that glitters is gold. I quickly discovered that after being with him for a few months.
As I got to know him more and peeled away the layers, I saw the real man underneath. Turns out, he was just great at dating but not committing. He liked the thrill of getting to know someone new, but once that dating phase was over, he was completely uninterested. He also stopped cleaning his house, never planned dates, and just seemed to be in his own little world most of the time. Basically, he was putting on a front. Oh yeah! And his ex used to call him randomly to see how he was doing and ask if he wanted to “hang out” sometime.
All of these issues didn’t pop up at once, but as they started to appear, I would either ignore them or ask about them. When I brought up an issue, he’d give some kind of excuse, most times a sorry ass one, but I was too tired and didn’t want to argue. So, I’d let it slide and make up an excuse myself. Not cool! Learn from me; don’t ever do that!
However, all of the issues were steadily piling up, and they were no longer things I could ignore. Eventually, when I’d question him, his answers or logic weren’t good enough anymore, and I started to see more clearly. Then, one day, I said to myself, “Fuck this shit!” and left. I was finally done.
Since that day, I’ve been single, and I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for almost 5 years. Yes, that’s right! 5 whole years. There are several reasons for this. One of the main reasons is that I’ve found I really enjoy my alone time, and it allows me to focus on things that matter to me, such as this blog. Also, I don’t think I trust myself enough not to make similar mistakes. For me, being intimately close to someone can make it hard to acknowledge issues or act accordingly because I let the feelings kick in before the logic. So, to avoid any more heartache or drama, I just stay to myself.
I must admit, sometimes I do think about dating again because it feels nice to have someone who loves and cares about me. Who doesn’t want to go on romantic dates with the love of their lives? If available, who would turn down the opportunity to go on a spontaneous getaway with their partner? We all, myself included, want to be loved by someone, but at what cost?
Relationships are tough! If one wants something lasting and healthy, they have to work at it, and that goes for all parties. This also applies to platonic relationships, too. Everyone wants that best friend they can talk to about anything or that community they can run to when they need help. However, people have to be present and have meaningful conversations as well as learn others’ communication styles, likes, dislikes, aspirations, and whatever else that will help the friendship or relationship thrive. This does take effort, and some people just aren’t willing to put in the effort, which can be hard to realize and accept when someone desperately wants a person in their life.
Belonging is real and natural, and I’ve acknowledged that there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, when I’m meeting or interacting with someone, I do my best to keep Maya Angelou’s quote in the back of my head because I don’t want to ignore someone when they are showing me who they are. I would rather accept the person that is right in front of me rather than the idea of the person in my head. If I accept the person in front of me, I am essentially accepting the truth, and the truth is hard to ignore when it’s staring you in the face.
