Not an actual depiction of how my hiatus went. Credit: Unsplash
It’s so good to be back. Happy to be back, and I’m so ready to get back to it. I’ve missed blogging. It gave me a release that I didn’t realize I needed. There are some things I want to go over with y’all, but first, let me tell you about my hiatus.
It sucked! Sucked so fucking bad!
The whole purpose of that hiatus was obviously to take a break from the blog and podcast, take care of myself, and hopefully get the creative juices flowing once again. And typically, October is the perfect time for that because there’s usually a lot going on in October. My birthday, my mom’s birthday, wine month, fall—my favorite season, Halloween, and a bunch of other stuff. October is great! It was supposed to be great! But it wasn’t.
I spent the majority of it working, taking care of others, and being surrounded by—for lack of a better word—dumbasses. I’m my mother’s caregiver, so looking after her was expected. Although lots of things didn’t go right for her, and as her caregiver, I had to advocate for her and get real ghetto because, if they don’t have to deal with it or suffer themselves, people just don’t care. I had to make them care. I had to make people do their damn jobs and hold them accountable. It was exhausting, and pissed me right off!
Fun times, really (that’s sarcasm, by the way), but at least my mom didn’t have to fuss and fight. She didn’t have to go to war and get any metaphorical blood on her hands because her very special warrior did all that for her. I was in her corner, raising concerns and a little hell to make sure she got the care she needed while she got to sit back and enjoy her cupcakes. Hopefully, I won’t have to do that again anytime soon. My blood pressure is still through the roof!
I also looked after my grandma, which was planned for a certain period of time. So, I was okay with that, and when my uncle came back, I took my happy ass home. But ya know what? I am a good granddaughter, and I told myself one day, “Since I’m in town, I’ll just stop by and see Grandma.” I went to the store, picked up some of her favorite wine, and headed to granny’s.
I just love how excited she is to see me! After a hug and a kiss, I poured her a glass of wine, and we sat at the kitchen table to catch up. When my uncle saw my grandma and me chillin’ at the kitchen table, comfortably sipping and chatting away, he thought it was a good idea to sneak away and do whatever the hell he does when he’s not home. He didn’t ask if I could watch her or if I had any other plans. He just left, and he was gone for hours.
I felt obligated to look after her. She’s had many falls in the last couple of months, and I just didn’t feel right leaving her by herself. So, I stayed. I fed her, made sure she got her meds, and put her to bed at bedtime. Grandma is pretty easy to look after, but that’s not the point. The point is that I just wanted to visit her and enjoy her company as her granddaughter, not her caregiver. I’m already burned the fuck out from taking care of my mom, her daughter, along with other things.
But never mind that I wanted to see my mom or my aunt and uncle, too. Never mind that I had other plans he didn’t even think to ask about. Hell! Never mind that I didn’t want someone else’s duties thrust upon me. None of that mattered because niggas are selfish and only look out for themselves. It was just such a shitty thing to do, and I was fed up. When he finally came back, he asked when I would be back. I didn’t give him an answer. I just kissed my grandma goodbye and left.
About a week after that, I went to DC with my cousin and had some much-needed fun. I got to see some of the monuments and things I haven’t seen since I was a kid. Got to walk around and explore the city. I also got to bond with my cousin and learn more about her, which is always nice. It was a very nice trip, and I can’t wait for our next one. However, I only had two days out of October's 31 days. I spent most of the month stressing, and I didn’t get to do what I truly wanted.
Relax. Have a spa day. Exist in peace.
I hoped to regenerate my creative juices and come back to my normal routine in full force, but that just didn’t happen. The 2 days I spent in DC were barely enough to rest up, and I spent them with a whole other person—someone I love, thankfully. But it just wasn’t enough. Alone time didn’t exist unless I was about to go to bed.
So, I decided to take more time and do what I really needed to do, which is why this post wasn’t published a week earlier. It was so worth it! I slept in, took long showers, ate good food, meditated, and found the peace that I so desperately needed. Now, was the time away long enough? Hell naw! But I am glad I got some rest before diving back into the bullshit of life.
Crazy thing is, now that I’m back, I have no idea what I’m gonna do. I have nothing lined up, no interviews, no outline, nothing. My motivation is back, but my creative juices aren't. I didn’t think of a single thing I wanted to focus on or learn about. That hiatus was bullshit and didn’t work out the way I wanted. I want a redo, but that’s not happening. October only comes once a year. I'm just going to live my life and hope something inspirational happens. Researching and reaching out to Black queer leaders is a good idea, too, but y’all know me. I’m just gonna wing it and hope for the best.
On Tuesday, I got an email newsletter from Rabia Kamara, Black queer owner of Ruby Scoops, and it wasn't a good newsletter. She also posted it on Instagram. She’s in need, and I’m hoping to help.
If you can, please support her by visiting the shop and buying ice cream and gift cards, sharing her social media posts, and, if you know of a space that would be great for her, reaching out to her. This platform is tiny compared to others, but I’m hoping that this reaches people who can help her. She’s worked so hard. I’d hate to see Ruby Scoops close.
