Coming Out Tips for the Black Youth
Two Black teens form a heart shape together with their arms.
Coming out to your parents or guardians is scary. In many cases, these are the people you live with, the ones raising you, and guiding you through life so you can be the best person possible. They’re some of the most important individuals in your life.
When I came out to my parents, I was scared and could barely get the words out. I know they could tell I was frightened. It was hard to hide my fear even though I was determined to spring the news on them, and they reacted just the way I thought they would. It was terrible. I went through hell, and I wasn’t the only one affected. My brother got bullied at school trying to defend me. I won’t go into too much detail since I’ve already written about my coming out in the very first post of this blog, which you can read HERE.
I must admit, I was not prepared when I came out to my parents. Things went sideways and could’ve been worse for me if my father’s plans had actually gone through. His intentions, after church and therapy failed miserably, were to find someplace to send me to straighten me out, like a conversion camp. Thankfully, his attention was drawn to something else (to this day, I don’t know what it was), and he just left me be.
During that time in my life, I didn’t have the resources or solid support that could’ve gotten me through that situation. I did have friends who could've cared less if I was bisexual or not and loved me all the same, but they weren’t people I could necessarily rely on. Not because they wouldn’t have helped, but because my father was relentless and probably would’ve hurt them. I did not want to put them in harm’s way. It wasn’t worth it.
Looking back on things now, I think it would’ve been best not to come out until I left for college. My family—minus my brothers, my hometown, and my school were not safe havens for queer people. The only times I felt safe were either when I was with my friends or in my high school’s LGBT group, which I was directed to after getting into a verbal fight with another student. There are a lot of things I would’ve changed about that time in my life if I had some guide or an adult to help me get through all of the craziness.
I recently received a newsletter from Healthline, a digital health and wellness website, about tips on how to come out to a parent, and I thought, “Well, it’s a little too late for me, but I’ll give it a read anyway.” I’m glad I did. It had a lot of good advice I wish I had when I was a teenager. There was also some advice I probably wouldn’t take, but I realized that this newsletter was meant for the masses and not just for me. Once I scrolled to the bottom of the page, I also realized that the person who wrote the article didn’t look like me either.
Homophobia, in my opinion, seems to be rampant in the Black community, and it makes it harder for Black kids and teens to come out versus their white and non-Black peers. My own experience is an attestment to this. Now, not all Black parents are unaccepting, but I’ve heard more stories about unaccepting parents than accepting ones. So, I wanted to take the time to give my own advice on how to come out to parents and guardians.
1. Ask yourself, “Why?”
A young Black woman thinks about about her decisions.
This may seem like a really dumb question, but I promise it is necessary. Do you feel pressured to come out from your friends, celebrities, or people you look up to? Are you trying to fit in? Make sure you are coming out because you want to come out, and no other reason. Also, if you don’t feel comfortable coming out, that is okay. It is not required. Come out when you feel comfortable.
2. Make sure it’s safe to do so.
Think about the type of environment and the people within that environment. Do you feel comfortable talking to your parents or guardians about important aspects of your life in general? How understanding are they typically? Do you feel safe at home or school? If things take a turn for the worse, will you have somewhere to go?
Some parents and guardians are very understanding and accepting, but some parents or guardians are not. Some LGBTQ teens and children have even been kicked out of their homes or have strained relationships with their parents. Maybe your parents are like my father and may think therapy will straighten you out. Please think about your safety first and prepare for the outcome if you proceed. A good way to test the waters is to mention a gay classmate or maybe a show with a gay couple in it and see what their reaction is.
3. Be emotionally and mentally prepared.
This is one piece of advice I wish I had received! Coming out can be stressful, especially if you’ve been thinking about coming out for some time. It helps to be prepared for the good outcome and the bad outcome. If you need help sorting your thoughts and feelings out, try expressing how you feel in a journal or talk to a friend or counselor.
4. Get support.
It helps when you have someone in your corner. Find a trustworthy, kind, accepting person who will help you get through this stage in your life. Even better if they identify as a fellow Black LGBTQ member, and make sure they won’t tell anyone without your permission. A supportive person will not put you in jeopardy. Remember this!
5. Start with one person and work your way from there.
Before coming out to your parents or guardians, try coming out to someone else. It could be a close friend, mentor, teacher, or anyone who you trust and feel supported by. It’s a great way to build confidence and practice for the big moment. You can also add someone to your—what I like to call—LGBTQ support alliance.
6. Find your community.
Either build a community of trustworthy friends and LGBTQ allies or find an LGBTQ group and grow your circle. They will help you find ways to navigate your sexual identity by sharing their own stories, allowing you to share your own, and more. Discovering who you are and getting to know yourself is crucial in this stage of your life. So, it helps to have like-minded people around who already understand.
7. Prepare for the moment.
Please don’t do what I did! I just plopped down on the sofa next to my parents and fearfully blurted out my gayness. I can laugh about it now, but there is a better way.
Pick a time and location that suits you and your parents or guardians. Don’t do it right before they have to leave for work or catch a flight. They will not have their full attention on you or what you have to say. I realize some people have a hard time talking in person or figuring out what they want to say, so communicating at a distance may be best for some. If you prefer to do it over the phone or via text, that’s fine, too. Just make sure they aren't busy when you do so. Do what’s ultimately best for you.
Have a supportive buddy with you or nearby. Don’t choose Big Earl from down the street! He’s no help! Your buddy can provide strength, a shoulder to lean on, and, if need be, intervene if things take a turn. My father ripped into me, and I wish I had someone there to stop him.
This may not be important to some, but I say choose a nice comfy outfit. You’re about to come out to your folks. You need to feel your best and be as relaxed as possible. A 3-piece suit is too much unless you just came from prom or somewhere fancy. Still, I’d tell you to change into something comfortable before talking to the 'rents.
8. Steel yourself!
Prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for what may happen. As long as you follow step 3, you should be fine. They may have questions, so be ready to answer them … or not. That’s right! You don’t have to answer any questions you don’t feel comfortable answering. Now, that might be hard when Mama and Daddy are in your face, but in all honesty, I don’t think you should answer every single question they have. Provide resources they can look into so they can learn for themselves. Wikipedia is a no-no! Anyone can go there and add whatever they want. The Trevor Project has great resources. GLAAD has good ones, too. If you’re in RVA, direct them to Us Giving Richmond Connections (UGRC), a nonprofit that strives to improve the health and well-being of Black LGBTQ+ communities.
9. Give them space.
They’re going to need it! You’ve probably just dropped a bomb on them, so give them time to process what you’ve just told them. Let them know if they are allowed to share this information with anyone else. If you are not comfortable with them telling anyone, please say that. Tell them you will tell whoever on your own time.
Now, these are Black folks, so I feel like someone is going to get told. I know, I know! I shouldn't be thinking like that. Hopefully, I am wrong! My parents told everyone at church, and everyone there started treating me differently, and not in a good way. So, please make sure you let them know whether or not you’re comfortable with them talking about it.
10. Give yourself some space, too.
You’ve just done something very brave. You faced the people that you love and told them that you are queer. That’s amazing and scary! So, go ahead and give yourself some time to decompress. Do something fun! Remember that supportive friend you brought with you in step 7? Go get some ice cream with them. If they weren’t present in the room, tell them how it went when you do see them.
11. Not all non-positive reactions are bad.
Just because they didn’t have a negative or positive reaction doesn’t mean that your parents or guardians are upset. They may just need some time to think and how to deal with the information you’ve just given them. Maybe now that they know you’re queer, they’re not sure how to show up for you anymore. That’s okay! When they are ready to talk to you again—and they will be—you can tell them how to do just that. That way you can move forward in your LGBTQ journey with confidence and support from your loved ones.
I remember casually mentioning that I had a date with someone when I worked at an ER vet hospital, and my coworker asked, “Oh! Who’s the lucky guy?”
I responded with, “Her name is ….” (I don’t remember her name, and I wouldn’t tell y’all anyway.)
“Oh! I had no idea you were a lesbian!”
“I’m not. I’m bi.”
“Oh … oh … okay,” she said as she nodded.
Later on, I asked if we were good. She said yes and, “I just didn’t know. You talked about men so much I thought you were straight.”
I laughed. “Yeah, well, they’re on my radar, too.”
Now, these are just tips. I’m not saying that doing all the steps will 100% guarantee that your parents will accept you or be happy that you are queer. This is not a surefire way of coming out. You don’t even have to follow these steps. You can do whatever you like. I just wanted to give advice to the Black youth who may not know where to start. My advice is based on what I’ve experienced, what my fellow Black LGBTQ peeps have experienced, and the love that I have for my community.
Obviously, non-Black youth can follow this advice as well. My blog is just geared toward Black gay people, so they come first, ya know!
Beneath this post, I will list all of the resources I mentioned as well as a few more just in case anyone needs them. I’d also love it if anyone else has any tips, information, or resources that they like to provide in the comments. That would just warm my heart!
For those of you trying to navigate your sexual orientation, gender, and overall identity, it takes time. Don’t rush it. You’re not in a race to figure things out. You’re not competing with anyone. What matters is that you find yourself, accept yourself, and most importantly, love yourself. And even that may take time, but it will happen. When you are true to yourself and those around you, everything will fall into place.
I wish you the best of luck in your coming out journey. Stay positive. Stay safe. Keep moving. Peace, love, and happiness y’all! ✌🏽
Resources:
· The Trevor Project
o https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
o https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/
o https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/
· Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD)
· Us Giving Richmond Connections (UGRC)
· Human Rights Campaign
o https://www.hrc.org/resources/coming-out
· Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
