The Intro Episode

Podcast cover art. Credit: Toni D

Wow! It is finally here, y’all! I’ve worked so hard to come up with different topics, figure out what the people want to hear, and so much more! Please listen, subscribe, share, and let me know what you think in the comments.

Love you guys so much!

Transcription below the podcast player.

What it do, boo?! It's me, Toni D, and I want to share a quick story with you guys before I get into the good stuff. I was just thinking about life and how I got here, and growing up, what it was like, all that good stuff. And I was just thinking about my parents and how they told me I could be anything I wanted to be and do whatever I wanted to do.

Like, I was basically super fucking human, is what they were telling me. And I'm just like, yeah, I am. I—I believed it, you know, and I moved through the world like that, thinking I could do anything and be anything and all this stuff. So, I was doing so much work. I worked my ass off in school and doing the things to become this superhuman person.

But if I had someone else in my life to like tell me to step back and take a look and just reflect, or if somebody was just like, “Hmm! Actually, listen to what they're telling you. My parents, yeah. They told me I could do anything and be anything, but there was a subtle message in that and it was, “You can do whatever and be whatever as long as…” As long as. Like, that's the but, and I hate the but.

Looking back now, I was limited back then. Even though they told me I could do anything and be anything, I was so limited. I didn't realize that though. The thing about subtlety is that it's unnoticed, and that is a parenting technique that my parents used often.

So, when they were saying, “Toni, you can be anything you want in life,” what they were really saying was, “Here's this shiny red apple that we deem a good life, and you can have it as long as you fit into this one box, check off all of these stereotypes because it's how you'll get and do all the things you want in life.” Never mind being authentic or doing what you're passionate about. Just don't act a fool in public and embarrass yourself—or us–and make plenty money.

And I do believe my parents were trying to keep me alive and help me blend in, keep me safe, but that did nothing in providing me a space to learn, grow, or just truly explore the world as it is. Sometimes when I looked at their faces, it seemed like they were just battling inner demons. Stay true to the culture or assimilate? You know, which one? Ultimately, assimilation won because it didn't … it just didn't seem like they knew any other way. Anything outside the norm queerness, especially, or anything that just made you stand out as a black person was bad, and you needed to get your shit together. So, the conservative European heteronormative lifestyle was the way to go.

Get married to a man, have kids, let him take care of you while you take care of the house, shit like that. Stuff that just makes me fucking vomit in my mouth. Like I said, it seemed like their real values were at odds with the norm because every once in a while, they'd change it up and tell me something different.

And I sort of appease them because even though I didn't agree with everything they said, I, too, thought, “Well, maybe I do need to fit in, straighten my hair, stop kissing girls and such,” because everyone outside of the home seemed to accept me and give me opportunities.

And I was thinking like now I wanted to be all these things 'cause I thought, like, I could do all this stuff, and I had like this plan for my life. But then, you know, as I got older and I'm moving through life with other people in the world, I'm discovering that life is completely different from the picture that was painted for me as a kid. And it's like, okay … I have to step back, you know, reevaluate some things and figure out what is it exactly that I want to do, not what I think is acceptable or anything like that.

And when I was thinking about, you know, what my future looked like, I wasn't thinking about money or a high paying job or power or anything like that. I was thinking about being happy and having some peace in my life and being loved on and spreading love because those were things that, unfortunately, I felt like I was lacking because I'm doing pretty well in my main job role.

I have no issues with that because I was brought up to work hard and do all these things, but when it comes to the inside stuff, like being happy, having peace, feeling good about yourself, I was lacking so much. Those are the things I was always chasing, and I didn't even know I was chasing these things until I had to just sit with myself one day and just reflect on my life.

One of the first things I did was come outta the closet because growing up I couldn't be openly gay. I couldn't walk down the hallway in school and … with a girl and anything like that. In college it was homophobic as hell. I feel like majority of places in the world are still very homophobic.

But you know, I said, “I'm gonna do it 'cause now that I know what I want in life, this is something I need to do!” And I wasn't afraid to do it. When I decided that this is how I want to live, this is who I wanna be, I just did it. I did it confidently, and it worked out for me. It was great, and [laughs] I've been super gay ever since! [laughter]

So, one of the things that I did in the—I don't know how long ago I made this community, but I went online looking for a community at first, a black LGBTQ plus community. I was on—I won't say the social media platform I was on, but I found no black queer spaces and I was just like, “Huh!” So, I made my own, and hella people joined. I was surprised. I was just like, “I'm gonna be the only one in this bitch,” but there were peop—other people looking, too.

I'm so glad many people have joined the community. I even made a second one on my other social media platform. And that one is a little slower, but people are steadily joining, following stuff like that, interacting with each other, posting crazy stuff, just about their daily lives, what they're going through, and I love it! I love the community. I love us. By us I mean black gay ass people [laughter] because we are amazing. Even though the world may not think we are.

And I'm just really proud of myself for doing that because it was clear that we needed a space like that, but no one just made it. So, I was just like, you know what? I'm gonna step up and do it. It took me fucking forever to figure out to do it because I dunno anything about coding or anything like that, but it did it and it's working.

As couple months went by or whatever, I was just like, “You know what? I wanna do more.” So, I am creative. I like making things. Writing is my jam. I do other stuff too, like painting and stuff, but I was just like writing, I wanna write more. I wanna express myself. So, I thought, “Hmm! I will start a blog.” So, that's what I did. God, is it a lot of work! [laughter] It is not for the weak, unless you just want to pick a template and just do some basic, but I wanted my shit to look the way I wanted it to look.

It took me several months to create this blog, but then I finally did it. The Black Quirky Queer dropped, I believe … I should have wrote that down before I hopped on the mic. It dropped June 4th, I believe. That is a Monday. I don't fucking know.I'm not gonna go back and check and edit this portion either, but that's when it dropped.

So, I do have some content on the blog that y'all can read, and I post weekly. I don't check the traffic or the stats or anything like that on the blog 'cause I—I care, but I don't care that much. As long as someone's reading it, it's cool. Like, I don't care if it's 10 people or a thousand. And I know you're wondering, “Well, how the hell do you know if anybody's reading?” Because I've had people come up to me and tell me they've read my blog, and I’m like, “Awesomeness! Yes! I'm glad you read it! Yay! Share with other people.”

Also, too, it's mainly for me. I'm doing it for myself because I'm telling my stories. I'm also, like, sharing resources and highlighting safe black spaces, black queer spaces, you know, in case people are looking. But it's mainly about me, and I've been doing that for several months, and I love blogging.

A few months ago, not a few months ago, this was probably a month ago. I don't know. Time is such a construct. It's made up. It's not real. I don't know. Time is difficult. I—whatever! Anyway, a month ago I was on some social media platform—I don't remember which one; it doesn't even matter—but there was a black trans woman that was talking about all of this discrimination she's experiencing. Just in public when she's with her boyfriend and how people treat her differently and how she's been physically assaulted in public. And she even lost her job just because she is black and trans. And I … it made me mad as hell reading that, and I felt really bad for her, and I think about her often.

And then, probably a day or two after that, there was a gay black man that posted something about dating and how difficult it is. There's piss in the dating pool. I—and I think all of us know that, but for us in particular, it is much harder because people fetishize … I can't say that word, but they like us for not who we are, but what we are. You know, like BBC and, “Oh, I've never been with a black woman before.” All that stupid bullshit. I hate it. Dating is terrible.

And then one of the latest posts I've seen was from this very young, black queer person, and it was just heart wrenching. I cried after I read it. They said they would never feel comfortable coming out because they'd never be accepted and because of the state of the world, they just didn't feel safe enough to come out. So, they'll always be closeted.

Now, they're young. They were, I think they were in their early twenties, so they could change their mind later, but that broke my heart 'cause I know what it feels like to feel unsafe in that … be closeted and have to hide who you are because people don't accept you or because you don't think people will accept you. Sorry, I'm tearing up now!

I put myself in their shoes, and I just … and I wondered if I could do more. I thought about my grandma. Something she's told me a billion times was, if you can help someone, you should just do it. And I said, you know what? I could do more. I just don't know what I could do 'cause I'm broke. I have nothing, no resources, or anything like that. I can't do anything amazing. I thought to myself, “Well, I already have the blog, and people are reading it,” but I feel like it's not reaching enough people. People that are maybe more visual, or they prefer to listen rather than read. Uh, it's not reaching them. It's not reaching them.

So, I thought to myself, I could create a blog, like an extension. Not a blog. What did I just say? Did I say blog? I think I did. I could create a podcast as an extension of the blog. That way it could reach more people. Maybe it could help people. They could hear someone else's story. See other places and stuff like that, that are accepting. That way they feel more comfortable, and they can walk through their black queer journey confidently because I feel like some of us aren't doing that. I know I wasn't in the beginning. I am now, but I want all of us to be able to do that.

That's why I hopped in this mic today 'cause I wanted to tell you guys that starting November I’ll be dropping a podcast episode once a month, just chatting it up, talking about my experiences, my journey, what I've learned, sharing what I've learned and highlighting people … not just people, but black queer people and black queer spaces that are just doing great things in the world.

So, every first Tuesday of the month, you can listen to me, Toni D, the Black Quirky Queer, talking about all things black and queer. Please subscribe, like, share with any and everyone. I don't care what the fuck they look like. Short, tall, fat, skinny, black, white, green little alien from Mars. Share it with them. Please support me 'cause I'm really trying to help people with this podcast. I really am with the blog and everything that I'm doing.

Thank you so much for listening and until next time, peace, love, and happiness y'all.