Episode 4: Living is Easier Said Than Done

It’s so good to be back and finally record an episode for you guys! It took me forever. Sorry about that! You can hear all about why it’s taken me so long and what’s happened since the last time I’ve talked to you guys.

Transcription below podcast player.

Hey y'all, it's me, Toni, and I just wanted to give you guys a heads up. Trigger warning: I'll be talking about death, grieving, and my process of healing in this episode, so be sure to do what's best for you. Promise I'll completely understand if you choose not to listen.

Hey, it's me, Toni D, and I am the Black Quirky Queer. Thanks for tuning in to another episode, and if this is your first time here, welcome. It's good to have you here, and it's good to be here.

I had to go on hiatus for a while and didn't know how long I'd be gone because, as some of you know, my sister died. It was very sudden. Definitely not something anyone was expecting. I don't even think she was expecting to pass as soon as she did, but she knew she was sick and getting worse. That's the part she didn't share, and I wish she had because things have been in such turmoil, which could have been avoided, possibly. I don't know, but alas, there's nothing we can do about that now except move forward.

It's been a few months since she's passed, so I'm not as sad. Still a little sad, but not as sad. I'm getting on with my life. My mom seems to be doing the same. She was worse off than me, of course, and just crying every five minutes at first. But luckily, Mom is doing all right and living her life the best way she can.

And, before I get into the episode, I want to take the time out to thank some people for donating to my sister's funeral expenses. You lovely people didn't have to, but you did, and my mom and I are so grateful because quite frankly, we are poor and couldn't afford to bury or cremate my sister. It really helped us to get where we are now and pay off funeral debt. That's crazy to say, but that is such a thing. I got a list right here, so let me just read it off real quick.

Again, thank you guys so much. Ashley, Shaun, Brumble, Lizzy, Seika, Chappers. Obviously, some of these names are just aliases, but these are real people. Fin, Voldy, Alyssa, Mr. Mayor, Violet, Lampy, Wulfuzzies. You gave twice, by the way. Thank you so much. Opulent Myzery, CHEEZE, Gav, Pacha, Olivia, Assassin Gamin', Ellion, SG, Rob, Sl0nk0, Daz DYKG, Funny Bla—ugh, I mess that up every time. Funny Bloody Valentine. I don't know who you are, but thank you for looking out. And lastly, Meraki. You gave twice too, so thank you, Boo-boo. I really appreciate it.

I think that's everyone. If I've missed you, I apologize. Just know that I do appreciate the help you gave me in my time of need, me and my mom. And one more thing before I move on to the episode. I want to give a very special thank you and shout out to Lampkor, AKA Lampy, because if you hadn't pinned the message about me needing funds on your chat during multiple streams, I wouldn't have gotten as much as I did. I am the type of person who hates asking for help. I don't like inconveniencing people. I don't like feeling helpless or feeling like I can't do for myself. But I was in a very difficult situation and needed someone to help without judgment. Like, that's the thing that I fear, the judgment, after expressing I need something and then somebody just beating me down for it. But you didn't do that. You were j- you just happened to be the perfect person.

So, thank you, Lampy, for being a big help and an even bigger friend. I love you so much. I love you dearly. Gav too, ' cause you pinned a link in your chat as well, or had a special message for it, I don't remember, but thank you, Gav. It meant a lot to me, and I love you a bunches.

Okay! As for updates, I have none because obviously I haven't been doing much in terms of the pod or the blog. The podcast is in the top 100 LGBTQ+ podcasts on Goodpods, which is crazy considering I haven't published a damn thing in so long. So, thanks for hanging in there with me. Thank you for all the support and love. It means a lot and lets me know I'm on the right track. At least I think I am anyways. But let's get into it.

Today's segment is Chronicles. It highlights my experiences, quirky thoughts, and journey as a Black queer woman, and boy, oh boy! Like, I don't even know where to start. So, I wrote an outline a few weeks ago thinking I'd be able to record something, and then I discovered my new mic didn't work, so I gave up because, needless to say, life was kicking my ass. And I just—I just didn't have it in me to do anything.

But look at me now. I'm a little more motivated with a cough, so I apologize ahead of time. I'll do my best to edit stuff out, but I was really eager to hop on this mic and talk to you guys. Like I was saying, I wrote an outline weeks ago, and now I can't bring myself to follow it. So, this episode, I'm just gonna wing it and hope you all like it.

Where do I even begin? Where do I start? What do I even say? You know, when someone passes away and you have to handle their affairs and whatnot, your life is pretty much on hold because not only do you have to do a plethora of things like planning a funeral, dealing with insurance, if there's any, or whatever, you're, like you're also grieving. So, you don't feel like doing a damn thing after you spent all day calling people, fundraising, planning, or, you know, everything else that you have to do. And that's exactly how it was for me. I was just so drained and tired. Like, why would I wanna go out and socialize? Why would I wanna do anything? Why would I wanna work on the podcast? Why would I wanna work on the blog? Why would I wanna do anything that I'm passionate about? You know?

Well, you know, I guess some [people]…I assume that everybody feels that way, but I guess some people do have help doing all the things, but I didn't. So, it's very stressful and lonely situation for me. Thankfully, that didn't last long. It didn't last as long as I thought it would anyway.

One day I was going through my sister's things, and I was reading her journal and discovering all the things she's been dealing with and looking forward to, and looking at her vision board, and I thought, " I want to live, and I don't just want to exist. I want to live life with intention, be happy, find some peace and a little love, and live out my days as healthy as possible." Like, it just-it just came to me 'cause I was just looking through her stuff and she…Her life ended before she even got to the good parts. Not saying that she didn't have great parts of her life, but there were things on that vision board that just opened my eyes and things in that journal that just, mm! My sister's very private, so I just learned some things about her that I was just like, "You know what? I-I-I need to live. I need to do more. I need to find that thing. I need to find my thing. I need to do something. I can't just be stagnant and do nothing and be sad. I have to move on."

Now, that is so much easier said than done, but since then I've been really trying. Some days I fail. Like, truthfully, I fail. But other days I succeed, and on those successful days you can't tell me shit. I feel like a million bucks. I swear, I love days like that. So, every day I try to have a good day and not dwell on the heavy shit.

You know, one thing I've found that helps me alleviate stress is coloring. I love it. I always have. But I just didn't have a good coloring book until my friend Ashley gave me one. Thanks, boo. By the way, I know you're listening. I've been using it every day. I'm gonna need another one soon. So, um, if you have another one, you can give it up. Naw, I'm just kidding. I have money. I can buy my own.

Also, in the midst of trying to be a happier and healthier me, I've also rediscovered things I've long forgotten. One weekend, which is seems like so long ago, or not that long ago maybe. Whatever! My cousin took me to DC. We gambled, shopped, ate, talked shit. It was so much fun. We are so much alike it's scary, truthfully. I—we are just crazy.

And while we were in DC, we went to a beauty store so she could buy perfume and, um, I didn't plan on getting anything because in my line of work, I'm not really supposed to wear any. I can, uh, wear makeup, but it's like pointless. And all I really do is work and go home. So, there's like, where am I gonna go to wear this? But as she was trying different ones on, she was asking what I thought of them, and while I was sniffing and giving my opinion, I found a perfume that I liked, so I bought it. And before I left the store, I spritzed some on and just…it just elevated me in a way that in a way I had forgotten all about. It was great.

I love nice things, perfume, clothes, wine, flowers, all that stuff, but I just hadn't allowed myself to enjoy those things in such a long time. So, when I spent that short weekend with my cousin, who knows me very well, all the things just came back to me. All the things. No. Actually, no, no, no, no. Not all the things. I came back to me. Yeah, I came back to me. I realized that I have not been myself, avoiding all the things I love, because I've been putting everything and everyone before me and feeling bad when I do something for myself. But no more. Even if it's just a stroll around the neighborhood, I'm gonna treat myself to it because I deserve it. I work my ass off. I take care of my mother, my grandmother, and anything else that's required of me.

So, fucking goddammit, I'm gonna take time here and there to do something for me. And I mean, why not? Some days that's just chilling at home. It's all I can really muster up the energy to do, and that's perfectly fine with me. Other days, I'll go out to eat, see a friend or something. Nothing more. I gotta work my way on up to the other stuff, you know, like the traveling and dating and all that other exciting shit. But right now, I am okay. Even when I'm not, because I found my joy again, I know exactly where it is, so I'm not gonna lose it again. I know exactly where it is, and whenever I need it, I can just grab it, just grab a hold of it and just enjoy. And just knowing that makes me happy right now. I'm smiling right now because I didn't have that for a while, and now I do, and that's really good.

And since I've promised myself that I'm going to live a full life, I have been looking up different things going on in the city every month. Now, am I gonna do everything? Hell naw! I'm too broke and tired for all that shit, but I'm gonna try to do something once a month. I'm sure that sounds very little to some of you, because most people find things to do every week, but I am not that gal. I can't do all that. I don't want to. Not right now. Probably not ever. But I do want to be outside every now and again 'cause, you know, whether I like it or not, it's good for me.

Sunday, or, well, it'll, by the time I publish this, it'll be over with, but Sunday there's a very fun gay time happening on one of the many hills of Richmond, and I am gonna go as long as it doesn't rain, 'cause it's been raining like a motherfucker here. I saw tie-dye shirts, or you're dyeing shirts or some shit, some other things. But I'll probably just bring my coloring book or a canvas and just chill, ya know? I can't imagine throwing myself into a group thing and going all out. I'm just not there yet. I actually, mm! I actually don't like people that much, but I can be present and enjoy the vibes while slowly putting myself back out there into the wild.

So maybe I'll meet someone nice. Maybe I'll have fun. Maybe I'll, I don't know, maybe something life-altering will happen. Or not! I don't know. But I do know that sitting on a grassy hill, getting itchy, sunburned, and sweaty will be good for me. Like I-I just know it. It's n—I just know it in my bones. I know it. At least I think so. We'll see. I don't fucking know. Like, 'cause it's just chill. You're just sitting on a hill dyeing T-shirts or doing creative shit or just sitting there eating. Like that's all it is. It's just like bunch of Black gay niggas sitting on a hill chilling. That's it. The other stuff was too people-y, and I don't want to be around too many people. Like I said, I'm not there yet.

Now, August is National Black Business Month, so I'm gonna be checking out some of the Black-owned businesses in the city. I don't know which ones, though, but I will let y'all know as the days go on. I do know that I want to revisit Ruby Scoops because I just love me some ice cream, and I have allergies, so as soon as I told the girls about my allergies, they were like, "Okay, well, this whole side of the whatever it was you can't have, but you can have these, and this is what's in it." And I was just like, "Great." So very good place to go if you have allergies and you need to know exactly what's in the fucking ice cream. That’s up in Northside, by the way. And y'all should stop by and support that Black woman-owned business.

Let me see. I'm trying to think. Urban Hang Suite that's on Broad Street. I kinda wanna check that out too. Maybe I'll swing by one day, hang out there for a few hours, get some work done. I don't drink coffee. I hate going to cafes because their main drink is coffee, and everything smells and tastes like coffee. I usually don't get anything to drink. I'll get something to eat, but never really to drink. But I'm gonna…I'm gonna try something. I know they got other stuff, so I'll try something. I am just wary about that 'cause I'm not a coffee gal.

That's a good start for me right there. Those two places, and then I'll kinda see how I'm feeling after that. And I know that those places are, 'cause I know, in the past I'm like, "Oh, I'm gonna go here, go there," and then, like, never do it. But those places are just so easy to go to, because I love ice cream, so of course I'll go to Ruby Scoops. The Urban Hang Suite, it's just a cafe. I can just sit in there and chill, you know? It's not, anything crazy. Something low-key. I like stuff like that.

If you guys know of any Black-owned businesses, whether they're in Richmond or not, let me know. I'll check 'em out. I'm not glued to Richmond. I just live here. And actually, I'd like to go somewhere, just take a long weekend and go somewhere peaceful really soon. So, suggest something nice and peaceful. No clubs or anything like that, pretty please. I am not a club-goer.

But yeah, got some things I'm looking forward to. Well, only one thing, that's the sitting on the grass with my coloring book or canvas with a bunch of Black gay niggas. But hopefully I'll have so much fun and want to go out a little more. And honestly, I do want to make some friends. I'm in a place in my life where I want something new, need a change. So, I can only hope that after all I've been through and after the promise I've made to myself, that I actually start living and enjoying what's out there, that I actually find and rediscover the things that make me happy. So, you know, and not just for me, but for the people that care about me, too.

I was talking to Sarah the other week, and she mentioned something, I won't say exactly what it was, but she's just basically letting me know that she cares about me and wants me to be happy. And which, I mean, I know that, but it's a nice reminder. Thanks, Sarah. So, not only am I doing this for my mom, grandma, friends, but for those who simply can't, who are no longer with us. My sister, who loved going out and socializing, and she's just, she's gone now and she can't do that. I will go out for her. I'll do the things for her as well, 'cause I know she would love that for me.

That's all I have for you guys, I think. 'Cause I'm... Yeah, that's it. That's, uh, that's all I'm gonna do. That's all y'all gonna get today. Follow me on Tumblr, BlueSky, and Instagram at blackquirkyqueer, all lowercase, and YouTube at theblackquirkyqueer. If you guys have any questions that you want answered on the pod or just want to say something nice, email heytoni@blackquirkyqueer.com. Subscribe to the newsletter at blackquirkyqueer.com, stay in the know, and get an email whenever I drop a new blog post, episode, update, whatever. This is it. Thanks so much for listening, and until next time, peace, love, and happiness, y'all.