Keep It on the Low
Shh! Don’t tell nobody! 🤫 Credit: Unsplash
We all know what DL stands for: down low. It’s a term often associated with gay, closeted men who proclaim to be heterosexual but engage in sexual or romantic activity with men in private. However, the DL lifestyle is not exclusive to men.
In recent months, I’ve been seeing more posts about DL women with discussions surrounding their behavior. Many queer women find it off-putting, deceptive, toxic, and in some circumstances rather predatory. And you know what? I couldn’t agree more. I’ve definitely encountered a few DL women in my lifetime, and the way they’ve secretly or not-so-secretly tried to sleep with me was super off-putting.
Quick story.
Maybe a year or two before I moved to RVA, my friends and I went to a coworker’s birthday party that she hosted at her place. It was really low-key (and boring). At most, there were probably 15 people there. I ate and drank until my heart’s content, hit the blunt a few times, and sat on the couch to let it all sink in while my friends were doing their own thing.
While I sat on the couch, these two ladies, who claimed to be cousins, sat on either side of me and started talking to me. Normal stuff, right? I mean, it was a party after all. We’re there to celebrate the birthday girl and mingle.
I don’t remember what we were talking about because it was long ago, and I was high and drunk out of my mind, but I do remember their hands all over me. First, it started with my shoulders, then my arms, and finally my thighs. I distinctly remember palms on my thighs and thinking, “What is going on? Why are they so touchy?” I was incapacitated, so I didn’t voice my concerns. I didn’t even know if I should have said anything because I didn’t want to put myself in another situation, if this even was a situation.
Clearly, it was. I just couldn’t find my bearings at the time. Luckily for me, the final straw was the lighter.
One of them pulled out a lighter and dropped it between my thighs, and the other would pick it up and drop it back in between my thighs. This went on for about 30 seconds before I had had enough. I was drunk, high, confused, and tired of being around those two. So, eventually, when the lighter landed between my thighs once more, I grabbed it myself and handed it to whoever was to my right. Then, I got up and stumbled to the outdoor patio where my friends were.
It was such a strange experience, and I didn’t know what to think of it. Quite honestly, I didn’t think much of it after I left the party either. Those two never crossed my mind after that night until much later. I just chalked it up to one of those crazy nights I often had as a young woman in their early 20s.
Now, I know they were just testing the waters, trying to figure out if I’d fall into their clutches of lust. See if I was open to something a little more risqué. Thank goodness nothing happened. That totally could’ve turned into an unsafe situation, and I’d be telling a completely different story right now. What they did was not consensual, and they took advantage of me when I was vulnerable.
This segues to the problem that openly queer women have with DL women. Right from the beginning, DL women are not honest about who they are and the life they live or want to live. They go about pursuing women in a deceptive or cringy way, and they cannot commit to an openly queer woman because of the heterosexual mask they hide behind in public. A woman who is out and a DL woman can’t work unless the closeted one comes out. In my opinion, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. Doomed from the start!
I can’t speak for others, but I can speak for myself. I avoid those who are DL, closeted, not comfortable being seen with me, or what have you, because I don’t want to minimize myself or my relationship with anyone because they’ve yet to accept themselves. It’s not fair to me, and quiet’s kept, it’s not fair to the other person either, whether they know it or not. Why would I want to go backwards in my queer journey that I’ve fought so hard for? Why should I lie or keep quiet about the person I like? To me, that’s not right. Also, it would mean that I’d always put the DL person first because they can’t adhere to a normal queer relationship.
If a woman wants to be closeted because she’s afraid of losing her job or is concerned about her safety, I totally get it. She can be closeted. Some situations aren’t safe for queer people to be open. However, the issue is lying to oneself and not doing the inner work to find acceptance and peace. That’s a step that all of us have to go through. It’s inevitable! At some point, they have to face the music, look at themselves in the mirror, and say, “I like women, and I need to come to terms with this.”
The topic of down low women isn’t discussed enough. I think lots of openly gay women encounter DL women often and have to deal with their poor behaviors and unexplored curiosities and desires. Straight women, too! Maybe we could quickly recognize the signs and protect ourselves from potential unwanted interactions and heartache. Maybe we could help and direct women to resources to help them come to terms with their sexuality. I’m not quite sure, but I do know that if we don’t talk about it, lots of women are going to be lost, in denial, stuck in situationships, or perhaps worse.
I cannot wait until we live in a world where we can just be ourselves without scrutiny and harm lying in wait. Tall, short, skinny, fat, Black, white, brown, green little alien from Mars. All of us deserve to live a happy, safe life, and I’m going to work double time, especially in the coming year, to make sure it happens.
