I’m Too Introverted for This!
Podcast cover art. Credit: Toni D
This episode is so late! I’m really sorry about that, y’all! The first audio I recorded didn’t sound great. Maybe it was because I used a different microphone. Uh! Never again! But better late than never, right?
In this episode, I talk about making friends, joining communities, and how putting yourself out there is really tough at times. It certainly is for me! I have a few challenges I need to tackle, but I'm working through them ... in my mind, anyway.
Transcription below the podcast player.
Hey, it's me, Toni D, and I am the Black Quirky Queer. Thanks for listening to another episode, and if this is your first time here, welcome. I've only got an episode and a trailer up, so if you're not caught up, don't worry. It's not like you've missed much anyway.
Also, Happy Black History Month! I'm going to a couple of events this month. One I actually went to last week. I have another one. Next week that I'm going to, I'll try to squeeze in one more just for funsies. But, usually when I'm in the moment or trying to focus, the phone is down. But I will try to take as many pictures, record a video, or something for you guys, and share if you're even curious to know what the hell I was up to. But don't hold your breath, 'cause sometimes I forget and then I remember after the fact, and I'm like, oh, did I take any pictures or anything? And then I look, and I have zero. So, cross your fingers that I actually do it.
Quick update. If you haven't signed up for the newsletter yet, you are missing out. The latest newsletter was a catch-up of how I'm doing and what I'll be up to this month. The one before that was a new episode alert with a YouTube link. The list goes on; you can actually go and look at all of my newsletters that I've ever written. So, go to blackquirkyqueer.com, scroll down to the bottom of the page, and sign up to get all the updates and stay in the know.
Another thing, and this is major. I made it on the top 50 LGBTQ podcast and the top 100 Personal Journal podcast for the month on Goodpods. When I. When I tell you I was so fucking happy to get that email, I was so happy. For me, that's quite an accomplishment. I'm probably not up there anymore, not in the top 50 or a hundred, but I was at one point. So, thank you, guys, so much for listening and supporting, and please, pretty please, keep doing it. It absolutely motivates me.
Okay. Jumping right into today's segment, Chronicles, which highlights my experiences, quirky thoughts, and journey as a black queer woman. I want to talk about friendship and community, or the lack thereof, because I only got a few Negroes in my circle, which is cool, but I want more. It's just proven difficult. And it's not like there aren't any Black people where I live. There's plenty. I think when I looked up the stats, which I don't have in front of me, and I wish I did … I think RVA is 40% Black, or I think as of 2025, if I remember correctly, it's 46% Black. Of those 46%, I have no idea how many are queer, but I know it's not zero.
There's plenty of people to befriend, but I've just been having a hard time for a number of reasons. The number one reason is that I'm introverted as fuck, and I don't wanna go anywhere. I could stay at home for days and just stay there like a little gremlin. And it's doing nothing for my social life, or trying to make new friends, or join Black queer communities.
Another thing that I'm finding difficult is that people are skeptical and unsociable, and I can't really talk much. I just said that I'm introverted and I don't like going out. People just—if they don't know you or they don't feel like talking, they're just not going to … talk. They don't wanna get to know you or anything like that. I know I'm certainly like that a lot of times when I'm out and about, or depending on what I'm doing.
Usually—well … if I'm out and about, I expect that maybe. Some people will come up and talk to me, or something like it, usually happens whether I want it to or not. So, I try to be as open and friendly as I possibly can be. But um, some people, I'll say, “Hi! How you doing?” or you know, “This is such a nice day,” or something. Just try to strike up a conversation, and people will look at me like I have three fucking eyeballs on my forehead somewhere. And I take the hint. I'm like, “You know what? That's okay. You have a good day”, and just move on.
I think one social media has a big hand in that also. Like we've been through some things, and when I say we, I mean. Black queer people. We, if we don't know you, we just, we're not gonna get that close to you anyway, and even when we want to sometimes,
Quick story, just because I'm thinking about this. I met this beautiful trans woman a while back, and I wanted to get to know her and take her out, maybe do a little more. So, I made it known. I was like, “Hey, I'm feeling you. I'd like to go out with you.” And she felt the same, luckily for me. And she was really honest with me, too. Told me she had a girlfriend, which I was cool with, and I was honest with her in return. Not that I wouldn't be, but I told her, “That's fine. I actually have a partner too, and he is completely fine with me seeing other people.”
When I tell you this bitch flipped out, she flipped out. She said, no, no, no, this won't work. I can't. I don't think I can do this if he's in the picture, and I'm just like, “Hmm! Are you like—why?” You know? I thought maybe because she was thinking she could have someone and I couldn't, but that wasn't the case.
She was worried that my male partner would get upset that I was with a trans woman and potentially attack her, or cause some kind of problem. Apparently, she's had run-ins with men in the past and they've really hurt her, so I responded with, “Whoa! Absolutely not! I would not date someone like that. I've also made it clear as to who I am and who I'm attracted to. So, it's not a problem. He wouldn't do that. And I would never in a million years date someone that's homophobic, transphobic, any kind of phobic or, any bigot, like that's just crazy.”
But she wasn't having it. So, I told her, “Fine, I understand, and I hope you have a good life,” because what else could I have done? There was no changing her mind or easing her worries, and I'm fully aware of the rampant transphobia, not just here in the States, but all over the world, and how poorly trans people are treated. So, I wasn't upset, but I did feel bad for her.
People have gone through so much. If they don't know you, they're not gonna risk it. That beautiful ass woman wasn't about to risk her life or her mental health, her wellbeing, to go on a date with me, and I completely understand, and I wouldn't risk doing anything either if things have happened to me in the past. So, I don't hold people at fault for that. It just makes it really difficult to connect with people when their trauma is right there at the forefront.
Another reason that I've been having difficulty making friends, specifically joining communities, actually, and bonding with people there, is that they're inaccessible, not all of them, but the ones I want to be in, like that's just my luck, right? I have been trying to get into this one Black queer community for I don't know how long, and I haven't heard a damn thing from these niggas. They're active on social media somewhat, but it seems like they post way too late or just not in time, like it's the last minute, it seems like.
For example, they were handing out turkeys to people around Thanksgiving or before Thanksgiving, and I didn't know that until, like, they posted the day after Thanksgiving, and I was just like, goddamn! I would've loved to hand out a Turkey or two or donated a Turkey, or, I don't know, just be supportive. I love doing stuff like that. I like volunteering, but they would just posted it too late. Like, how am I supposed to know what's going on?
I also can't reach them on their website. It's clearly not maintained. I signed up for the newsletter when I first checked out the website, and I haven't gotten one since. That was months ago. I've also sent an email. I've also … I signed up for a leadership class or lesson. I can't remember what the fuck it was, but I was just like, yeah, like I-I am all in! I'm gonna do all the things. It's just been crickets, and I am … it's frustrating because it seems like there's an organization out there that I could totally be a part of. I totally want to do things, but it's just hard to connect with these people because they don't keep up with their shit. How am I supposed to attend an event or a meeting if I don't know about it or it's last-minute?
If you are a part of any kind of organization or community or group or anything like that, please update your socials and your websites. That is so important when you are trying to build community and reach out to people.
[Ad Break]
Hey, it's me, Toni D. Thanks so much for tuning in. It really means a lot to me. If you like what you've heard so far, please consider supporting The Black Quirky Queer by donating any amount that you're able to. It would help with maintenance fees such as domain renewal, web and podcast hosting, and security features to protect everyone's data, booth booking fees, as I need to record somewhere, and it will give me the boost I need to create more content. Not to mention this helps increase Black LGBTQ+ visibility, something we absolutely need. So go to blackquirkyqueer.com/support to show some love and donate.
One other thing! I recommend signing up for the newsletter to stay up to date on all the things. Go to the blog, blackquirkypeer.com, scroll to the bottom of the homepage and type in your email, or you can just click on the link in the episode description. It's just that easy. Thanks so much for your support. Let's get back to the show!
[End Ad Break]
The other reason why it's been really difficult for me, and this may be a little touchy or sensitive or maybe even a little controversial depending on who ya are, but I think the LGBTQ scene is really cliquey. That's just my opinion. And I don't mean just mainstream. I mean, like the Black queer communities, all the communities. So, it's hard to get into and even harder to fit in, and I'm a fucking weirdo.
If I can get into any space, I'm definitely gonna be the fucking oddball there, which is completely fine with me. But I feel like when people are cliquey like that, they're exclusive. They don't include you in anything. Like, you can be there, but you can't do anything. You can be seen, not heard, basically. And I've been in places like that, and it's not for me. That's in person or online, it doesn't matter. And that's just the vibes that I've been getting.
For instance, I joined this Black creative organization, and at first, it was great. It was made up mostly of Black women. Sprinkle sprankle of men in there too that write, do crafts, paint, whatever, anything creative you can think of. That's what people were doing. And you could talk to anybody about anything, and I was like, yeah, I'm a writer, and I love drawing, painting is my jam. Like this will be good for me. And that's when I was just getting into podcasting. So, I was like, yes, this is a great group.
For the first month, it was okay. They were doing group meetings and coworking streams on, I don't think I can say their name, but they were doing coworking streams, which are boring as fuck, by the way. If you're listening to this, don't do a coworking fucking stream. It’s dumb! But they at least they were doing something in the first couple months. But after that, this creative group was not so creative. Like there was no one doing anything, sharing anything, talking to anyone except for like a small, uh, number of women. And these women would usually just talk among themselves. And as soon as I would jump into the conversation, they would just not talk.
It felt less like a creative organization made for Black people to come together and commune, and like, share, and build community, and more like this group of friends that just wanted to make themselves look like they wanted to create something great and make themselves look good. That's basically how I felt.
And then I was just there less and less until I just wasn't there anymore. And then, probably a few months ago, they dissolved because they just couldn't keep up with the demand, 'cause there was still a demand! You still got your website up there, you still posting these non-existent events that are happening and then you're not doing anything about it. So, they were like, “Well, this is a lot of work.” Yes, it's a lot of work. You decided to create something much bigger than yourself, and then you couldn't maintain it because you didn't actually want to create something that was bigger than yourself.
So that's just my opinion, though. That's not what these niggas said, but that's just—this is my perspective. This is my goddamn podcast. That's—that's what I think. So yeah, they dissolved, and they are no longer with us, and it's probably for the best. I haven't joined any groups or organizations since, but I have met an awesome community of gamers of all backgrounds, and they have been so super supportive.
First off, shout out to iLLFiNiTy, AKA Finn, AKA Shiaper. Daddy, you are amazing. I love you. Another shout-out to Town_Hall_Mayor, I love you, and I am looking forward to Friday and hanging out with you. Oh, wait, no! I'm—I'm probably gonna be super gay that day, so I probably won't do the games that night. And another shout-out to DraconicKorll. I hope I'm saying that right. That's what it sounds like when you say your name or when other people say your name. But if I'm fucking it up, let me know. I love you. And then lastly shout out to Lampkor, AKA, Lampy, AKA, the awesome K-pop, girly. You bring so much energy to your streams, and you are just the sweetest guy. And you are the gayest, uh, straight person I've ever met in my entire life. [laughs]
I love you all. And maybe one day I'll hop on a stream, and I'll start streaming, but I doubt I'll be able to do that anytime soon, just because I got a lot of shit going on until then, though, I will definitely chill with you guys on stream.
But yeah, it's hard finding community and friends, and that's just—I'm speaking for myself. I'm not saying in general. I don't wanna put that on anyone else. This is my experience. This is what I'm going through, but I am hopeful because I do believe there's someone out there for everyone, whether it's community or friends or lovers, whatever. We all have our very special place in this world.
So, I know that if I keep searching, I'll find what I'm looking for. I believe that. I absolutely believe that. I am gonna find my Black queer friends eventually. I'm gonna find that black queer space where I can be a member of a community and help others and provide whatever they need.
That's really what I wanna do. That's my goal. Be a part of something bigger than myself and do something for the greater good. I just have to stop being a shut-in and venture into the wild. If I could do that, that'd be great, but I love being left the fuck alone with my wine, iPad, just chilling inside where it's warm under my electric blanket, but it's doing nothing for my search for Black queer friends or Black queer communities. So, I need to get my shit together and walk out the front door and not look back. That's what I need to do. Hopefully, with these events coming up, I'll meet some nice folks and make some new friends and be Black and gay happily ever after.
All right, well, that's a wrap for me. Real short episode this month. Also, a very late one, so I'm sorry about that. Follow me on Tumblr, BlueSky, and Instagram at blackquirkyqueer, that's all lowercase, and YouTube at theblackquirkyqueer. Check out the blog at www.blackquirkyqueer.com. And if you're currently searching for friends, community, or you've already found them, let me know. I would love to know how you even discovered these people, how you made the friends, especially if you're introverted. Help me out at, heytoni@blackquirkyqueer.com. If you have any questions you want answered on the pod, you can email me, too, and I'll do my best to answer them. Thank you, guys, so much for listening. It means the world to me. Until next time, peace, love, and happiness, y'all.
