Episode 1: Family Sucks Sometimes

Podcast cover art. Credit: Toni D

Finally! It’s what you guys have been waiting for! I worked semi-hard (just being honest) to edit this episode. So, if you hear me making weird noises, stumbling, or anything like that, sorry, not sorry! I wanted to sound like my authentic self, and that means that I’ll sound like a weirdo on the mic at times.

Anyway, in this episode, I talk about how the holidays gave me time away from work to relax and spend time with my family, but my time with them wasn’t all that great.

Transcription below the podcast player.

Hey, it's me, Toni D, and I am The Black Quirky Queer. Thanks for tuning in. It's so good to be sitting in this booth on this mic because it's taken me forever to give you guys an episode. And I am sorry about that because life has been lifing and hard and kicking my ass. So, please be patient with me as I attempt to get back on track. Thank you guys for being so understanding. And before I get into the episode, I do have a couple updates for you guys.

So, the first one is I do have two blog posts published since my hiatus “Found Family” and “Keep It on the Low”. Hopefully I will have another blog published by the time this episode drops, but don't hold your breath because I may change my mind. Visit black quirky queer.com/blog to give them a read, leave comments, feedback questions. If you want to share your own experience, please do. I'd love to hear it, but it's not required. So, don't feel obligated to leave anything below the post.

Number two, I've published a fairly new support page. If you like what I'm doing, want to support a queer black woman or want to help spread black LGBTQ visibility, please give what you can. If you don't have it, that's cool. Don't overextend yourself. I'm glad to have you here regardless, but if you are able to help, please help me and The Black Quirky Queer take off. Visit black quirky queer.com/support to show me some love what those dollas ya got over Christmas break.

Okay, today's segment is Chronicles, which highlights my experiences, quirky thoughts, and journey as a black queer woman. And today, I am gonna talk about my family because I have been spending quite a bit of time with these people, and I've come to many conclusions as I usually do.

I have many experiences and memories with these people. Some great, mostly not so great. Maybe not mostly, maybe just some not great. I don't know. I feel like my relationship with my family hasn't been all that great probably since high school, honestly. It's—so that's been like for me, just doing the math in my head 20 years. So yeah, maybe that first statement was right, mostly not so great.

 And I've made even more memories with these people during the holiday season, which is a change for me because I'm usually alone during the holidays because I'm either working or I've lied about working during the holiday and I am just chilling at home or at the movies. I usually go to the movies on the holidays, which is something I did not do. I spent several days at my uncle's house. I was there with him, my grandma, my cousin and his wife, his two kids. And it was nice for what it was ‘cause like I said, it was, you know, this is the first time I've spent the holidays with them in years And I helped my uncle put up the tree and decorate it.

Had Christmas dinner with them, which was a surprise because he said that they had plans already for the holidays and for Christmas, and I was like, “Okay. Well, I guess I won't be spending Christmas with you guys even though I'll be in the house with you guys, or you know, staying there. But I guess they changed their mind and my uncle cooked, and we had Christmas together. It's all weird just thinking about it. I'm still, like, processing this if you couldn't tell.

And you know, while I was there too, I just made sure my grandma didn't burn the house down trying to cook something or with her cigarettes, because if she can't find the ashtray, she'll put her ashes on a paper towel that's literally on fire and smoking up the god damn house! [laughs] Like I said, it was nice for what it was. I'm just glad to be back in my own space now because being around them for several days at a time was taxing as hell.

How is spending time with family so easy and hard at the same time? It's just like everything balled into one, and I'm not sure if I can do that again anytime soon.

But while I was sitting in my uncle's spare room one night with my own bathroom and a nice view of the quiet neighborhood he lives in, just in my own little cozy space, I realized that my family doesn't actually love me. In fact, the love and affection is just all for show. If I can even call it that, love and affection. And that sounds horrible, and whoever's listening to this may think I'm wrong or misinterpreting or just thinking, “What the fuck?!” But I'm gonna tell you why I think so.

My family places value on so many things. Money is the main one. Appearance is probably the next. And I could go down the list, but I'm afraid I may go into a tangent and never get to the point I'm trying to make. Of course, they've tried to indoctrinate all of this into us as we've grown up and been raised and all that good stuff. But no matter how much I've tried to make my family happy, align myself with them, or just fit in as a kid or as an adult, I've always had my own likes, dislikes, beliefs, and way of living, which has ruffled some feathers over the years, and it's changed how I'm treated.

 Which is … goes back to what I was saying before. I'm not very close to my family, and it's one of the reasons I don't really spend the holidays with them. For example, growing up, I've always liked girls and found them attractive. Boys, too. I like whoever, but everyone, even my brother, who is accepting of me and how I identify myself, is super conservative. So, the fact that I came out in high school and had a girlfriend was horrific and just unacceptable. It didn't follow the rules, the laws, or whatever you call them, of the Bible. So, I was wrong and ruining my life, ‘pparently that's what I was doing.

But you know what? Quite frankly, them niggas don't abide by the Bible either. They don't do shit they're supposed to do either, but I guess because their sins aren't as outward or as plain to see as mine, it's okay. Because remember, appearances! That matters!

This doesn't just apply to me. This also applies to everyone in the family. They are just so judgmental of each other, and it's fucking ridiculous. I'll even give another example. I just won't say any names. This is so fucking messy, but I don't give a fuck because they never listen to a gas podcast anyway. Well, except for my brother. I think my brother would totally listen to this podcast, but I'm not gonna really talk about him anyway.

One of my cousins on my dad's side had a child with a woman he's not married to. He's had two actually. And to me, that's no big deal. It happens all the time. There are so many people that don't get married and have kids or. Just don't get married at all. Even if they have children or become pregnant. Who the fuck cares? It's their life. They can do whatever they want. Just like my cousin. It's his life. He can do whatever he wants, but my aunt and uncle, his parents, are so ashamed of him doing that because they did it right. They got married and had kids. 'Cause that's how it's supposed to go. And my cousin didn't do that and he should have known better. He was raised better than that.

But you know what? I remember when I was a kid overhearing my aunt whispering to my other aunts and my mom about getting a hotel room to fuck her boyfriend. And now I don't know if this is my uncle, the one she's married to now, or some other boyfriend because I believe she had multiple boyfriends in high school. She got a hotel room to fuck her boyfriend because she just couldn't do it at home and “just couldn't take it anymore. It was just so overwhelming.” I remember her saying that shit!

But you know what? It was done in secret. So, to my grandparents and people who live on fucking Mars, she was still a virgin when she married. You know, it's not so outward. It's not done in plain sight. It's okay. At least that's what they think. You being sneaky about it, so it's not so bad. You're just doing it in the hotel room and pretending like you haven't spread your legs multiple times, but whatever.

And whenever my uncle—FYI, I'm not talking about the uncle I'm staying with. I'm talking about a different uncle. But, um, whenever my uncle mentions his son's daughter, not his granddaughter, because he doesn't refer to her as his granddaughter, he whispers, and it's a sight to see. And then he like quickly moves on to the next subject.

Oh my God. Another memory.

So, my dad's funeral, I remember being there and I walked out to the grave site where they were about to lower him down in the ground. And I saw my uncle, but I didn't see my aunt or my cousin or anybody, and I'm just like, “Huh! Where are they?” So, I asked him, and he stood right next to me. Like, we were shoulder to shoulder and he like leaned over and he was like, “Oh, your aunt is babysitting so and so,” and then he, like, stepped away as if he just told me a fucking secret.

Like, okay, so you're telling me my aunt, my father's sister couldn't come to the funeral and say her last goodbyes to her older brother, who she was supposedly close to because she doesn't wanna bring her granddaughter around people? Okay. That's fine.

I will never forget that ever in my life, ever, ‘cause I guess kids can't go to funerals, and I guess it's okay to be ashamed of your blood relatives. I don't fucking know. As for my aunt, she never mentions her grandchildren. Never. It's crazy. Or at least from what I know, she doesn't mention them because I never see them anymore.

That was the last time I saw my uncle, and I can't even remember the last time I saw my aunt or my cousin, and I've never met my cousin's children ever because I'm an outcast, and I've been an outcast for years now, since high school when I came out. Basically, they just have never wanted to see me or talk to me or anything like that.

But anyway, I just think it's dumb for someone to think being gay is sinful and so unforgivable, but being ashamed of your granddaughter because she's born outta wedlock is okay. God knows what the fuck she said to my cousin, or how she's treated him for doing something so unforgivable. I don't know. What do I know? I guess when you don't talk about it, it's almost as if your son's lack of birth control and your granddaughter don't even exist. I guess that was her goal. Let me tell you, she's fucking failed.

But back to me, it's my fucking life and who I am. If I'm a queer woman or, at that time, a queer kid, that's who I am. I can live however I'd like, regardless of how anyone feels about it. If I want a girlfriend or suck on some cooch, that's what I'm gonna do. If I want a boyfriend or suck dick, that's what I'm gonna do. If I want to be single and have sex with whoever, as long as they consent, of course, that's what I'm gonna do. Or if I would just wanna be abstinent, that's my decision. I'm not a fucking monster headed to hell because I like a person of the same sex. But let them tell it. I might rub off on them and their kids and make everybody gay in the entire family.

That's my dad's side of the family, though. That's how a lot of them treat me. I ... I haven't talked to them in years. I don't ever see them. My mom's side is a little different, though. They're conservative, too, and even more religious, but they'll still associate with you despite your shortcomings or what they call shortcomings, because being queer is not a shortcoming. They'll just keep their feelings about you to themselves, and that's regardless of whether they truly admire you or not. That's just how they are. They love keeping their feelings close to the chest. Except for my grandparents, because they were just sweet baby angels who doted on me every chance they got. RIP, grandpa. I miss and love you, but as for the rest of them, they just always been that way. I don't know.

But even my grandma, even though she loves me, like, truly loves me…. Her love is just so energetic, and I don't even know how to describe it. It's like waking up to breakfast in the morning and having it all set out on the table for you. Like, that's the feeling I get from my grandma every time I'm around her. That feeling. Even though I have that kind of love from her, she is still homophobic.

Once she gets to know a queer person for who they are, she's okay with them not, not their lifestyle, though. I'm not sure how many queer people she's aware of whom she's coming to contact with, but despite having a queer ass granddaughter and other queer people around her, she's still stuck in her ways. She's almost 90, so I don't expect for her to change. I just think it's funny how she's always in close proximity to gay people on a daily basis actually, and has no choice in the matter, but like her stance on us is the same.

I rock my gay paraphernalia around her too, and she doesn't say a damn thing. Gay stickers on the laptop, gay t-shirts, gay, everything, and she keeps her mouth shut. And it's only because she loves me … and denial. [laughs] Denial is the word. She's in such denial, and I also haven't come out to her verbally. So, it's not real. At least that's what I think. But you know what? I'm just glad that she ... this is so weird to say, but I'm just glad she's just so willing to overlook my shortcoming, what my shortcoming to her is because I love my grandma and I don't want her to stop … loving me back.

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Hey, it's me, Toni D. Thanks so much for tuning in. It really means a lot to me. If you like what you've heard so far, please consider supporting The Black Quirky Queer by donating any amount that you're able to. It would help with maintenance fees such as domain renewal, web and podcast hosting, and security features to protect everyone's data, booth booking fees, as I need to record somewhere, and it will give me the boost I need to create more content. Not to mention this helps increase Black LGBTQ+ visibility, something we absolutely need. So go to blackquirkyqueer.com/support to show some love and donate.

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My uncle, the one I'm staying with, is unaffectionate and selfish, and he is always been like that. He always puts himself first, even if it's at his own detriment. Now, he can be helpful if you ask, but you have to ask. And like I said, he's been this way for as long as I can remember.

When I was a kid, my mom would ask him to go on field trips with us, and he would. He never said no. And my siblings and I always had a good time with him. He would babysit or whatever. Even as an adult, when I've asked him to check on my mom or do something for me, he's done it, but it's not out of love. It's more so at a duty. He's a son, a brother, an uncle, and since he has these titles, he's going to fulfill the duties that come along with that, no matter how he feels about you. Plain and simple.

Being around him is strange at times, but just like him, I never turn him away. I guess … hmm … I guess the best way to describe it is going on an outing with a person and them being on their phone the whole time, no connection whatsoever. They're there with you at the movies or dinner or wherever you are doing the things, but their attention and heart aren't there, especially not for you.

I hope that makes sense. I'm trying my best to get this point across to you guys.

However, if you can provide this nigga with something or if you have some kind of status, he is up your ass. Like I said, it's all about him. So, if he can get something out of you or shine in your light, he will be right there. And I have neither of these things, so he is not up my butt, thank God. I don't need that fake ass shit in my life. I'd rather have the asshole uncle. That's what I'd rather have. The asshole uncle that is reliable. That's who I want. I don't want the one that's gonna kiss my ass so he can get something out of me or try to live his life through me.

And you know what? Something that happened during the holiday. Like I said, my cousin and his wife and his kids came by, and my uncle treated them way differently than he treated me. So first off, he cleaned, which is something my uncle's black ass never does. He moved—my uncle moved into that house over a year ago, and they are still moving boxes in this fucking house, and I've been trying to help him over, like the last couple months, try to help him organize his house, but he, like, continues to buy stuff and put shit in the house. So, as soon as we get something out, there's more shit in there. And it's just like—it's just a cycle.

Anyway, and then when my cousins and his family arrived, he actually hugged them. He also gave him gifts, and he sat and talked with them, asked about their lives, and was so attentive. Just in the moment.

Now, I didn't get any gifts. He didn't seem too concerned about what was happening in my life, and he damn sure didn't give me a hug. Not that I want one … want one from him. I don't need a hug from this nigga. That would be too weird, but it's clear that he thinks more of my cousin because he's Christian, married, has children, and has a great job at a university. Just living the American dream. Something my uncle doesn't have, by the way, and he never will if he keeps doing what the fuck he's doing.

I'm proud of my cousin too, and all that he's done, but that doesn't mean he's better than me. That doesn't mean that he deserves to be treated better. It also doesn't mean that I haven't accomplished anything in my life. I've done many things. What all this means is that because I'm not living a life my uncle deems worthy, awesome, and prayerful, ‘cause I am not religious in any way, shape, or form, I'm not as good in his eyes, so I'm not taken as seriously.

So that was my Christmas. Very uninteresting, with a bit of laughter here and there. It was pretty much the same old, same old, honestly. And typically, I'd spend Christmas alone, but this was all for my mom. I'm her caregiver, and I try my best to take care of her, and sometimes that means making her happy and dealing with these assholes called family from time to time.

Now, this isn't a ploy to get anyone to feel bad for me or anything like that. I am just being honest. As an adult who can see more clearly, my family has failed to love and care for the person I've become, and quite honestly, the person I've always been my whole life. And that used to consume me a great deal, but not anymore. So, nothing I experienced over the holiday phased me because I'm pretty much immune to it now.

There was a time when I thought my family was the best, tried to please them, get along with everyone, and make them like me. I followed in their footsteps. My whole life was about having money and being a pillar of society because that's what success and worthiness were to my family.

But come to find out, those things aren't fulfilling, and I don't need millions in the bank or become a pillar in anyone's society. Well, I will take the millions, so if you have it, please give it up 'cause I need it. But for me, I just want to do what makes me happy and brings me peace. I've spent years figuring out who I am, how to love myself, what my purpose is in life, and I refuse to change even if my family doesn't approve.

I can't be a teacher, a pastor, be straight, have children … well, I can have kids. I just don't want kids or whatever they want because it's not what I want. The shit that makes them happy or matters to them doesn't matter to me, and that's okay. Very simple, really, but I think most of them will never understand that because they are so focused on the shallow shit. So, what truly matters often falls by the wayside, love included.

As Black people, it is hard for us to survive in this world, especially in America. So, where you're from and what you have means a lot in some cases. Being queer on top of that creates even more unnecessary challenges people love putting on us. They can't see past the color of our skin, queerness, or whatever they think of us. We're often put in unsafe situations because of that ignorance and discrimination, and it's so unfucking unfair.

So, you’d think family wouldn't do that. Think or judge so harshly, give some grace, and try to learn and understand so they can uplift one another and love you. Sadly, it's not always the case. They'll apply those same discriminations and hostilities towards you. For reason is most likely steeped in oppression and fear without even realizing it's tearing us down as a whole, not just singularly.

Maybe one day we'll tackle some of these generational traumas and find some real purpose and what matters in our lives before we have families and involve other people in our bullshit or lash out. Do the inner work. I love saying that, by the way, so I'll say it again. Do the inner work. It's really the only way to become a better person, doing the work and putting it into practice.

And if you are someone who is in a similar situation where your family doesn't agree with your life choices, gender, sexuality, or anything, just know you're not alone. There are so many other Black queer people out there having a difficult time connecting with their family members. They don't understand why we like men, women, people, however your love identifies, why we've changed genders, or do what we do. “There's only two genders” and “you weren't like that before,” and all that other bullshit.

They won't even take the time to learn, understand, get a clue so they can connect because they're so set in their ways. So, I said all that to say, I see you. I'm going through it now, and I have been for years. And even though I don't know you, I love you. I care about you. If you need someone to talk to, my DMs are always open. Reach out via the blogs contact page or email me if that suits you more. I'll do my best to respond in a timely manner. If you feel like you have no one to talk to, I will lend an ear so you can get it off your chest. You may feel like you're alone, but you're not, and you don't have to be. Just know that.

That's the end of today's episode. Please like, comment, and subscribe wherever you listen to podcast. And I know this may seem a little too soon, but give it five stars, pretty please. Ask and you shall receive right? And if you have any questions you'd like to ask or need someone to talk to, please email me at heytoni@blackquirkyqueer.com. Last but not least, follow blackquirkyqueer, all lowercase on Tumblr, BlueSky, and Instagram. Thanks so much for listening, and until next time, peace, love, and happiness y'all.

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